Gravity

Do you sometimes feel like you're being PULLED? I don't know if it's because i've been with him for so long... could be, we have been together for 7 years almost. When Riley walked away from me and got on that bus, i felt like i was being ripped in two... i had never cried so hard in my entire life. And my dear sweet husband pointed out to the facebook world that he was worried about me, cause he'd never seen me cry so much. :) it's hard to embarrass me though... i think until you actually go THROUGH a deployment, you only understand a small part, the part that spouses CHOOSE to show the world. so for those of you non-military wives, here is a little insight into what my life is now. to everyone, i am this woman who puts a smile on my face day in and day out, it doesn't matter what is going on with me, i'll be smiling and making light of a situation.

However that night, i didn't care if other girls were looking at me like i was being dramatic, i didn't care if they were looking to ME for strength, and for the first time in our relationship, i was not trying to be the strong one. as most of you may know, when Riley left for bootcamp, i shed no tears... i knew he was scared, and i was NOT wanting to add anything on top of that fear, i wanted him to know that i was going to be ok... that he had an amazing woman standing behind him, who would wait for him faithfully. it hit later that night that he wasn't there. and i would not get him back, for 13 loong weeks. Those weeks were the longest of my life. i was an absolute mess. and the crazy thing is, i was around friends and family. i had the best people possible around me, lifting me up, and carrying me when all i wanted to do was listen to Josh Groban and cry.

And now here i am, completely alone... doing this all by myself. during Bootcamp i had to re-learn how to live by myself, how to make decisions based solely upon what I wanted... and during all of his trainings when i was traveling for HOURS upon HOURS, i learned to be by myself and embrace my alone time. When he was done with training and we were living together again, it was another massive adjustment... suddenly i again had ZERO alone time, i couldn't see the newest chick flick without bribery and agreeing to watch 300 and Fast and Furious...

My good friend Jesse is a seasoned Marine Wife, she's amazing. she told me something while Rye was gone the first time. i asked her if it ever got easier having him be gone. she replied with something that is proving to be soooo true. "it doesn't get easier.. ever. you just get used to feeling sick to your stomach with worry. you learn to make the days pass, you learn to cope with your bad days, and you learn to separate yourself from people when you are about to break down"

I continue to smile each and every day. but don't think that my smile is hiding misery, because it is most definitely not. i really am happy. i have the most amazing soul mate... one who is willing to make fun of my nose, one who i can make laugh so hard he starts coughing. I'm married to my very best friend, and there is not a person in the world that i look up to more than him. he is an AMAZING man, and AMAZING Marine, the most AMAZING husband, and one day he'll be the most AMAZING dad a kid could hope for.

My husband is not a wuss, and he is not a crier... he's like his dad. he's so much a MAN. but when it comes to his family (me especially) he turns into a big ol' softy.  when it comes to leaving me, he doesn't do so well. Nothing brings a man to tears like family. When we first found out the exact date of his deployment, he came home from work, we had already been told a day... but he was informed it was moved up 3 days, and he would be leaving "day after tomorrow". my entire world at that moment seemed to be crumbling. i don't think i really said anything. i just went and started the shower (as i've said before that's where all our deep discussions happen) i remember he got in and i started bawling, i wasn't ready. it was finally hitting me that he was really going to leave for __ months. now this entire deployment i've "known" that he is coming home to me. there is not a doubt in my mind that he is going to come back to me. i've felt that way ever since that shower. i remember as he was holding me and i was sobbing into his chest, i just remember thinking over and OVER "please don't let this be the last time i get to do this. please, i just want to hold him again." and after i felt that peace that comes from the holy ghost giving you your answer to the prayer you've just uttered. Riley is going to be back in my arms in __ weeks, and as i've already promised Marylin there will be LOTS of tongue :) but just tasteful tongue of course haha.

Knowing he is coming home to me, keeps me going every day... but it doesn't make his absence any less known. i think of him every time i wear his gym shorts (his high school ones that i'm not supposed to wear) or when i find random socks of his in the most random places. he's the center of my world. or more like our relationship is the center of my world. everything i do, directly revolves around the center. i'm spinning a little lopsided right now, trying to keep my world on the right axis and spinning like normal without my other half. haha did that even make sense. wow.

 i really hope this blog isn't too mushy or depressing, and hopefully it comes off the right way. i just kind of felt like i needed to vent, and as i've said before, this blog is my outlet, i won't sugar coat anything. and somehow Rye will read this before anyone else, ya, he's my personal stalker (i don't mind). but i am so proud of him, and me for that matter! i'm doing pretty awesome! don't be fooled, it's not easy, and it's not for everyone... but i'm the right kind of woman for the job...

alright here is the song of the day. it's been stuck in my HEAD!!! haha ya i am aware i think it's kinda a break up song... but just ignore that part! i think it's GORGEOUS!


and the lyrics.

Sara Bareilles--- Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

 oh p.s. i burned 3680 calories yesterday.. YES nearly 4 THOUSAND!!!