Here we go.

Another month is coming to a close... which means a NEW one is starting... the last month we'll ever have of 2011, treasure it.

I have been in a funk all week. Like REALLY in a not so fantastic mood. I am trying really hard... and that may be my problem. I just need to let go... and trust that i will be seriously and truly happy again. I have an AMAZING husband (seriously, he is the best) and a MOST OF THE TIME awesome dog... (except this morning when i found one of my good pairs of scissors RUINED)...

As i laid in bed last night with a few tears streaming down my face i thought to myself... Is not having a baby REALLY worth crying over... to which i quickly responded with a snotty sniffle and a "uh-huh". I had a breakdown... i know, CALL THE PRESS... it happens. I'm not always this strong woman you all may think i am. I struggle... DAILY. Rye came into bed laid on his side with Dee in between us, just reached over, grabbed my hand... and simply told me "it's gonna happen babe". that's all it took... one simple touch to stop my breakdown in session.

Then i think about it... people are asking me what i want for Christmas... ALL I WANT... is two pink lines. that's it. I want to know WITHOUT a doubt!!! that before Riley leaves this country again... that i will have a piece of him. That i will forever be able to look at our child and say "WE MADE THAT!" I want him to have a bigger reason to come home. I want to give him what he so badly wants. But no one can give that to me.

I never thought after our cruise in Nov 2007 that i would be here 4 years later.. still without a kid. I'm just about to that point, where i am starting to lose hope of it happening... and i don't need people to tell me that it's going to be ok... cause what if it's not. What if we NEVER get a baby G....

UGH LISTEN TO ME, i sound like such a negative Nancy!!! ok, i'm getting off the couch, putting on my new running clothes and going for a run... i need endorphins.... NOW!!!