Thankful Day 2- experiences

Today i am extremely grateful for all the experiences i have been able to live! especially those that may have been HARD when i was going through it, but made me a better person in the long run. I recently found a letter i wrote to myself. I wrote it when i was 17. At the time i wrote it i was bawling (you can see the tear marks on the paper) I had just gotten home from being out with Riley, and had told him i thought he should move in with his parents.

For those of you that don't know the situation, Riley and i started dating, a few weeks later his parents moved, he felt a feeling like he needed to stay. So he arranged to stay with a long time friends family. over the course of the year the family got more and more abrasive. To the point that it was borderline psychological abuse. Riley was REALLY struggling with them, but did not want to move in with his parents cause it would mean leaving me, as well as having to switch schools for the last term of his senior year.

So for his mental health, i told him to leave. With the promise that nothing would change between us. but knowing that the other times i had tried a long distance relationship... it never lasted. I knew it was the ONLY option though, because he was severely depressed in the current situation. Anyway, in this letter i talk about the situation and how i am so completely in love with him, and i don't see how we will get past this. But because i was so in love with him, that i HAD to let him go. I honestly thought that night, that we would eventually get pulled apart. Lucky for me, that boy already knew he planned on marrying me someday. and did everything in his power (including driving 4 hours each way nearly every weekend to see me) to make sure that we stuck through it all.

That is one of those experiences that forced me to Grow. To put someone else's needs above my own, even knowing at the time that i would probably gain nothing. I have always tried to be that same girl. The one that sends him off to war, promising i will keep it all together. promising that i will be ok without him, knowing full well that i am in for _ months of restless nights, and more than a few days when i just feel like something is wrong... waiting by the phone for him to call and tell me that he is alive and well.

Riley leaving for any amount of time is always an experience in which i grow.

Losing my pregnancy was another one of those self altering moments. I have had to accept that i will not get exactly what i want/pray for. I really wanted Riley to be home for my due date... however maybe i am supposed to get pregnant and have the baby while he is gone for another experience, i don't know that now...

There were a few weeks in that really Dark period i've talked about. I felt... Dark... that is the only way i can explain it. It is something that i have had to realize is actually more normal than i thought. I made a comment one day (i think the day or two before Riley said i should be medicated) that the pregnant woman in the parking lot made me furious and i just wanted to hit her... KEEP in mind i would NEVER actually harm a person. But it was that thought process of "WHY DOES SHE DESERVE THIS?!" and "What makes her more deserving than i to be a mother". that is still a question that plagues my days. When someone that i KNOW complains about everything in their life gets pregnant. i immediately think in these EXACT words "and SHE deserves a kid more than me..." I see fathers all around base that are non-existant in their children lives. who do nothing but play on the computer or constantly go out and party instead of spending time with their families... and then i look at Riley who will practically HOLD Deezul down and force him to snuggle with him cause he say's he just wants some snuggle time. And when he tells me that a music video he watched makes him want a little girl.

Or that time in the baskin robbins parking lot when he apologized for his medication comment. Letting me know that he has a hard time with me voicing my anger and hurt with the situation because he IS hurting and it IS hard for him to hear about everyone getting pregnant... When he wants to be a dad so bad. Looking into his eyes, and wanting to give him a child of his own, and yet at that moment feeling that i had just murdered his child and killed his dreams.


I thought things would NEVER get easier. and yet here i am, being able to talk about it completely rational. I can already tell that this experience will forever change me as a person. I have to take everything as an opportunity to grow and learn. and to move forward as a wife and daughter of Heavenly Father.


As i have always said to Riley "Look Unto Christ in Every Thought. Doubt Not. Fear Not."