In Retrospect

If things had gone the way I planned and not the way God planned, I would be a week  postpartum right now. And that has me thinking about how different my life is now than 9 months ago.

I found out I was pregnant and other than being exhausted, I didn't have any symptoms. I did however blow up 10lbs over the course of only 4 weeks. You can blame hormones or whatever else you want... but the truth was, I was not in shape. Sure I was able to hold my own on a hike, and I wasn't as out of shape as I had been prior to Riley leaving for bootcamp... but I was not fit at all. running on the treadmill had me dying long before a mile hit.

Then I lost the pregnancy. I've talked before about the dark period I went through. So to summarize, I have NEVER battled depression before in my life. It runs in both mine and Riley's families. Everyone in both of our families that had it was on some sort of depression medication. Now maybe Riley and I have just turned into THAT couple... but the last thing I wanted to do was medicate myself, for something that I knew could most likely be helped with working out. I remember laying on the couch in sheer depression only a day or two after learning that I was miscarrying. I remember being so angry with everything, I wanted to go for a run. I remember thinking that the only thing that would make me feel better at that moment would be to go pound the pavement. It wasn't an option for another week or so.

I was determined to take care of my depression the natural way, or in my mind "the right way". I am not saying anything bad about those on depression medication, I have just watched so many family members struggle to find a balance using them, so I've always promised myself to try any and all other options if need be. When I was feeling a little better physically, I went out for a run. It wasn't far and it wasn't fast, but it was the first time I had ran for me, not for Riley or the illusion of how hard I could work out at the gym. I was running for my normalcy, I was running to get back an ounce of control I felt had been stripped away from me. I could not control that our pregnancy wasn't viable. But I COULD control the way I dealt with it.

About 3 weeks post miscarriage Riley was looking up races, and saw there was a trail race the next morning, a half marathon AND a 5k. He told me we should do it.. I was not interested but told him if we went to sign up and they still had t-shirts available, THEN I would run the 5k while he did the half marathon. That race was the longest 3 miles of my life, but crossing that finish line to a cheering crowd... made me feel amazing.

I continued running, knowing that it was the ONLY thing keeping me somewhat normal. I was still at the point that any pregnancy announcement on facebook would send me into hysterical tears. And who would have guessed it, I started getting better. Better at running, and better at functioning like myself again.

Running saved me. If things hadn't happened the way they did, I would have probably had a very unhealthy pregnancy. Sure I would have walked but I don't think I would have been able to do much more than that. Because of what I went through, I'm more prepared.

God knows what he's doing and he has a plan. I was so angry with him for a while there. But looking back, He knew all along where I would end up... and that I would be a better person for it. Things have worked out exactly as they should. This has grown my testimony to trust in the Lord... cause when you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, Things work out.

I gained 10 lbs in 4 weeks with my first pregnancy... I am now 21 weeks pregnant and down 7 with this one. I am not trying to lose weight, and I am not restricting my calories... but the mixture of morning sickness/eating healthier/ working out has resulted in this. We all knew I had a few lbs to spare at the beginning of this so no one was worried when I lost a few.

They say we have 20/20 vision in hindsight. I'm grateful for all that I've gone through.. It's put me where I am today. And I love where I am today!