Explanation

I haven't blogged much since Riley got home. here is my explanation... it's long-ish so just beware.

When Rye first got home, i was completely focused on us, and getting back into our groove of things. July brought a visit from Rye's parents which was amazing, and lots of down time to spend sooo much time together. i have to say, it was one of the best months of my life.

August started out promising to be the best month of my life, the first week in August we found out we were expecting, big amazing news, since we've been hoping to expand our family for almost 4 years. we only told a small handful of people, but somehow word got out, like everything does on a small base. before long i had people i did not know, asking all about the rumors they had heard. i was FURIOUS, i wanted this to be our secret... but it seemed no matter how much i wanted it to stay quiet that wasn't going to happen. We spent august budgeting and planning, with lots of trips to stores pricing out fun "baby gear". the last week in august, we lost the baby. i had done everything right, but as you all know, sometimes it just doesn't "stick". i had been to the doctor a few days before and had an ultrasound, everything was normal, so the good news was that it was a completely normal pregnancy, and the reason for miscarriage seemed completely normal.

since then i have been working day to day on dealing with the loss of what would have been. i had known it was too good to be true, for me to get pregnant so soon after he got home, and for my due date to be only weeks before we expect him to deploy again, i knew the timing was too perfect to hope. it's difficult, i've always been an optimistic person, and for the first time in my life... i'm not. on top of this, it seems that every wife in Riley's unit has been announcing their news, and i'm talking like 2 pregnancy announcements a day. i have recently almost stopped completely logging onto facebook, because i don't want to be bitter, but seeing that little black and white picture of what i don't have anymore is heartbreaking.

To want something SO bad, and to try so hard for 4 years, only to have it taken away... it's something that only a very small percentage of people will ever understand. i'm tired of the most fertile people in the world trying to give me advice, and people who have never experienced such a loss trying to play it off as if it is completely normal, and that i should not continue to be upset.

So if i don't seem myself lately, that would be why. this is also the reason i will be deactivating my facebook for the next little while, i am much happier when i DON'T check it. I am very grateful for all the love and support i have gotten, and i am ok. really i am. and this just like all the other trials in my life will pass, and i will be left a stronger woman than before.

now that this is out and in the open, i expect that i will blog more. so stay tuned.