I Never Am Able to Find the Words

When i meet wives on base the first question is ALWAYS the same "Do you have any kids"

We had an event at my work tonight, it was SUCH a success, and so much fun meeting so many new parents in the area. I think i must have been asked if i have any kids AT LEAST 15 times. and after smiling and responding "nope not yet" all of them said something about how i should really wait, or good for you, something along those lines. i never know what i should say, because i REALLY hate when people respond the way they do. I've always hated it. like you just met me, and yet you have an opinion on whether or not i am ready for children. So if you are one that responds in that way to people, just keep in mind that it might not be the best response. i had a girl tell me, the weekend i was actually miscarrying, that children were such a burden and it was such a good thing i didn't have any yet... not knowing that the baby i was hoping to have had died and that i was in the middle of an extremely painful miscarriage. How could she have known, i wanted to keep that as private as i could at the time. I am realizing now that i don't WANT to have to keep this to myself, i don't want or need pity... i just hated that i felt like i was completely alone, and then when people found out what had happened, SO many people came forward saying they went through a similar thing... WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?! it should NOT be taboo. I found out recently that a wife (who i have known for a long time) has been telling people (alot of people) that i am unable to have children. I found out about this and was HURT. i found out because someone mentioned my name and this person (WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME) was like "oh ya, that's the girl that can't have kids."

I was more hurt and upset than i thought i would be. This is NOT who i want to be known as, ESPECIALLY since it is not true. i was venting to Riley about this, and as always i was proved how lucky i am to have him, he knows how to deal with me he quickly responded "then i guess she will look like a retard when we have a kid huh!"

I was really close with 2 girls when i was working in st george, one got married only a few weeks after we did, and the other followed by only a few months, we were all the same age within weeks of each other. we just clicked and became this trio at work. the first girl and her husband decided shortly after they got married that they wanted to expand their family. the second wanted to wait YEARS for kids.#1 had been trying for about 6 months when #2 was surprised  with morning sickness, she felt AWFUL that the other had been trying so hard and NOTHING. they were finally able to conceive after i think 18 months. It was painful to watch her go through, when she finally got pregnant the dr. told her it was not a pregnancy and was actually cancer. THANK GOODNESS he was proved wrong after a few days, and they gave birth to a healthy baby boy. But when i first called Riley to tell him what the dr said to her, he told me his stomach dropped and he felt sick to his stomach. i remember when she had her first miscarriage they had to do a D&C, our work wouldn't give her more than one day off... and she came to work depressed for a VERY long time. i never fully grasped what she was going through. i remember multiple times she would just break down and bawl while i just held her and told her it was all going to be ok. I went home night after night EXHAUSTED telling Riley how unfair it was that they wanted a child SO BAD and would be amazing parents and yet crackheads were getting knocked up by the minute. I would lay in bed and talk about how bad i felt for her, and say something along the lines of "that won't be us" in a hopeful way.

Here we are 4 years after deciding we were ready, with no luck and a few losses on our side. We kept all of this a total secret from nearly everyone, not even our parents knew we were trying. it's been 4 years of everyone including our parents telling us that we are still babies and aren't ready to have kids. Not knowing how many times i have cried over having to go to the story for "girly supplies".

I finally feel like i have been able to for the most part put our recent loss behind me. I was pretty bad for a while there. I'm not normally a depressing person, but we had a couple dark weeks. I started crying in the theater when i watched the preview for "The odd life of Timothy Green" at the beginning the dr tells them they cant have kids and i just LOST it. I'm a firm believer of treating depression with exercise. Riley made the mistake only ONCE of telling me that whatever i was trying wasn't working and i should get on some drugs... i think after the death glare he realized he had made a BIG mistake. Rye has never had to deal with me having a COMPLETE meltdown, it was a totally new thing and he was almost in a panic to try and figure out how to deal with me when i wasn't being the easiest wife in the world. I still have rough days, i'm sure i always will or at least for a good long while. But most days i am able to look on the bright side. It's still hard to realize that this next week i would find out what we would have had. Or to see the girl at church that has a due date the day after mine would have been.

I am extremely blessed, i have the most wonderful husband in the world. Not a day goes by that i don't thank God for him. He's my very best friend, i enjoy nothing more than being with him. And i have the worlds greatest dog. sure he can be a butthead, but he is SO well behaved and the biggest mama's boy i the world, he's my baby boy, and will always be my "first kid".

So for tonight i am TOTALLY fine, just sick of people having opinions as to whether my husband and I should be allowed or ready to procreate. We always intended on being young parents. Riley's rule was that he did not want to be a dad before he turned 21...... he will be AT LEAST 25.... things don't always work out the way we plan for them to.

So i am now an open book on the subject of what happened, i am not afraid to talk about it, and no one should be afraid i might break down into tears at any moment. I'm back to normal Sav, I never realized how level headed i normally am, until i felt like i was losing it. it's a scary thing to feel like you are going crazy and are not in control. Let's not do that again :)