2:54

I can't sleep anymore... which is wierd cause i've never had a problem sleeping when he was gone before. like when he went for boys time in Vegas last year, i slept wonderfully, i even told him he should leave more often :)
then last Christmas he left for a week for job training... and the only reason i didn't sleep well then was cause i was afraid someone would break into my house... but as soon as i got the Gun out and made should i had a magazine near by and the safety checked i slept like a baby. i wonder if it's just because it's a more permanent situation here... well either way.. this can't be very healthy for me. so as soon as Cat and I get our Military I.D.'s i need to make a whole bunch of Dr. apts. i need to see the Optometrist, and the always fun girl doctor :) and i need to see the dentist.. and on top of all those i guess i need to see if my dr can write me a prescription for some sort of sleeping medicine. cause it's like when i do finally fall asleep around 12 or 1 ish... i wake up every hour or so. and then i'm up for like 20 minutes. SOOOO irritating. so now it's past 3 and i need to get up in less than 4 hours to get dressed so i can drive Phil to school... plus with the snow i'll have to scrape my car... when i say I'll i mean I'll have to make phil do it.. :)

on a happier note... i got to see all sorts of people that i love and adore this week. Lauren (and Dal of course), Collee, Laurel, Jordon, Xandra, Ben, AJ, Pasquale, and i'm sure ton's more that i can't think of. so to everyone who i saw this week... Thank you, seriously, you all made my life bearable this past week. you'll probably never know how much it really meant to me.. even the cumulative 4 minutes i talked to AJ, that was 4 minutes that i felt like a normal person. lately i feel like everyone is staring at me.

My mom keeps telling me i look depressed... I know she is just worried... but all that makes me think is that everyone can take one quick glance at me and know that i just want to cry. and i do. about 80% of the day i do... but i can't because it's not going to do me any good... so i suck it up and bottle it in. thats probably part of my sleeping problems...

I usually feel better when i write him his daily letter.. but since i don't have his address until i get his first letter.. they are all bobby pinned together on top of my tv. and so i feel fine right after i write a letter, cause it almost feels like we're really talking. like i can really vent to him as if he were here... but i see them piling up and it reiterates the fact that he has absolutely no idea whats on my mind. he doesn't know that i just wrote him and told him i had food poisoning last night. and he doesn't know about the conversation with a mean old lady that made me have to choke back tears. or how my stupid little brother had the audacity to insult him by saying he was in the army... WHICH HE'S NOT! or that when i tell some people where he is, that they give me that look of pity, and sometimes tell me he's going to die... since when is that an ok thing to say. i would never ever ever try to tell someone that i thought someone they loved was going to die... i think about it enough already.

and if i didn't have complete faith in God, i would be terrified... but i know that if god forbid anything did happen to him.. it's supposed to.

and so i cry myself to sleep everynight at about 3 a.m. and then when i wake up an hour later and he's not there shoving his arm under my head in the most uncomfortable way, i cry again because all i want is his morning breath... and that sounds totally lame but i just don't want to forget anything about him. i walked in a hollister the other day... so that i could smell him (he wears the hollister cologne) and it's his favorite store.. and I almost wanted to go to the rock canyon bowl with some friends... but i almost feel like thats our sacred spot... we spent probably 200 hours there in high school, sitting on the grass hill and just talking.. and thats where he proposed to me on a snowy February night.

until Riley left whenever anyone asked me who my best friend was, it was the easiest answer.. Lauren... Riley was my husband and the closest person to me, but Lauren i felt was my best friend, who would be there for me, no matter what i needed... with him away though... you start to realize how much you depended on them for.  i mean Lauren is AMAZING! and i couldn't survive without her.. but i didn't really know how much i needed Riley before... because i don't want to sit and vent to Lauren about STUPID stuff constantly, because i would get irritating. but it's like Riley married me, He has to sit through my dumb stories, and he tells me when i smell bad and need to shower... and being depressed like this.. it takes every once of energy to get up in the morning... and shower and do my hair... because i don't want to look frumpy when he gets back.. and NOONE will want to spend time with me if i don't shower...

so this week... i'll be heading up to ikea to pick up a million pic frames and i'm going to cover my walls with happy pictures, of him, and us, and our amazing friends... and hopefully that helps.. and seriously i don't expect anyone to read my entire blog... but it just kinda feels good to empty out EVERYTHING into cyberland where i don't feel like it's bottled up.. or sitting on top of a t.v. waiting for an address.