Alone...

Well on Tuesday i spent most of the day up in Salt Lake, waiting to watch Riley swear into the Marines. there was alot of drama, and problems with everything... lets just say it was a VERY stressful day. the four of us (Rye, Zack, Cat, and I) sat in a TINY room with 4 arcade games for about 6 hours. all the other recruits that were shipping out for all the branches were in another room. but Sgt Worthen worked it so we could hang out until they had to leave. not that it was really hanging out since we were all stressed out of our freakin minds! so around 2 ish... the mess with Riley's contract was figured out... not fixed just figured out, and the boys went into swear in. Thats when it kinda hit me, that i wasn't going to see this man for 3 1/2 months. but for some reason i was still weirdly calm, i wasn't crying or even tearing up like Cat was. But then Rye came and gave me the last hug.. and my eyes welled up alot.. but i still didn't cry.

then on our way back from slc Cat was driving and bawling and we got pulled over... so the cop comes up and asks where the emergency is she broke down and told him we just dropped our husbands off for boot camp and she wasn't paying attention to her speed at all. he then informed us that we were going about 95 mph... but apparently he's either patriotic or he felt pity for us... but either way... TICKET FREE!!!! YAY HWY PATROL... you made a pretty crappy day... that much less crappy!

So later i went over to Lauren's house to try and keep my mind off of things. we watched "The Holiday" doodily doo! and played Wii... and then i remembered why she is my best friend. because she knows when i need to talk about things and when i just need to think of NOTHING... and She's pretty amazing!

so on my way home i looked at the clock and realized that Riley was probably just arriving at mcrd (bootcamp) and i made the mistake of thinking about what he was probably doing at that same moment. I realized he was probably getting violently yelled at and it made me sick to my stomach... i had that lump in your throat when you can barely swallow. so i tried to clear my mind again and not think about him AT ALL (next to impossible.) but i did it and i was ok. i went home and was excited to watch Gossip Girl and unpack my room.

while getting ready for bed my phone rang from the other room and i missed the call just barely. so i checked my voicemail and it was him... the first thing i heard was SCREAMING in the background... and then a series of yes sir and no sir's... and then i heard his voice... cept that it wasn't Riley.. it was not the dopey, happy go lucky guy i married... he sounded scared... it was a 20 sec message basically stating that he arrived and i will recieve a letter within the next week or so with his info and grad date on it. LOVE YOU BYE.... and then a quick click... you could tell he was reading a script given to him, and that there was a drill instructor in his face making sure he said exactly as he was told. It was the creepiest thing i've ever heard in my life... and it all hit me... at that moment it became VERY REAL. I called Cat in hysterics and luckily she had received the same phone call and was equally creeped out by it... but she had cried earlier so for some reason she was kind of calm. i bawled for about an hour while on the phone with her. and she told me that until that phonecall i was in complete denial... i mean until then i guess i just told myself that him and Zack were just hanging out.. i know it probably sound crazy but i guess that's how i was dealing with it.. more like NOT dealing with it.

so Lauren took me out to magelbys for breakfast yesterday which was awesome.. and i hung out with her till she had to go to class at 2 ish... and ever since then i've kinda settled into like a depressed zombie like routine. i mean i respond to people when they talk to me and i'll try to participate in conversations... but i end up just blanking out of reality and just staring at NOTHING for like 10 minutes at a time.. and i can tell that i have this constant look on my face that i never had before... i don't feel like myself... but i'm trying... i guess thats what really counts right... i feel better when i'm in zombie mood during the day cause i don't hurt as much.. i can't really feel the void thats there. but Nighttime is alot worse... i can't sleep.... i have to watch tv till i fall asleep, i wake up with it still on... and during the day i can't eat. i'm not hungry and when i do eat i'm forcing it down because i don't feel hungry at all...

I'll be ok. it's just 91 more days right...

OOO RAH! :) I love my life.. this is just a small blip in a very long and happy life.