Hey Everyone. small update!

Hey y'all. no i did not get another letter. although that would be an absolute miracle to get a letter on sunday! Today was good. i think now that the holiday is over things are getting easier. and there is less than 60 days left so that definitely is getting me excited! i've already started planning for his graduation. i really cannot wait! i got a bunch of home videos converted to a format that is compatible with my ipod. so now i have a bunch of home videos with me and Rye on my ipod. it definitely helps me fall asleep to hear his voice. i was hoping for a christmas call... but as all my faithful blog stalkers out there know, i did not recieve one. (LAME LAME LAME) even though i was told i was probably not going to get one. it definitely sucked that people from other platoons recieved calls from their boys, who left the same day as Rye. but i may get a call this next week. letting me know that he is leaving MCRD to go to CP... for 3 weeks,  that is when phase 2 will take place. i cannot believe that phase one is ALMOST over! and nooo it has not just FLOWN BY, as alot of you told me it would. every hour of every day drags on and on! but i'm getting by.
i've also started keeping a video log of my day to day things. so i can put all the videos on a DVD and he can watch it when he gets back. it's nothing too crazy. i mostly try to pick up my flip camcorder 2 or 3 times a day and kinda just talk to him and tell him what i'm up to, where i'm going that day, how i'm feeling. i started on Dec 23rd and so far i have over 20 minutes recorded. this way when he comes home and asks what i was up to the whole time, i can just pull out the DVD and show him!

anyway this is a little bit of a shorter post, i just thought i'd post something... so ya

oh and here is a shout out to all my blog stalkers... i know you are all out there reading, even though you don't comment... usually some of you let me know you read it... and there are ALOT of you. so thank you! i never really expected anyone to read my blog. but the fact that you do, makes me feel like i should continue posting.

I love you all. however i do love the Husband more!

Survey i sent Riley!

I sent Riley a survey so he could answer questions quick and easily. so i guess i'll just put up the survey and answers... none of them are personal. i wouldn't dream of putting something up that was only meant for me. these are just general questions... so if you're curious. i wrote this at around 1 a.m. soooo some of the questions were odd. the only thing i have added in are (   )

all the smiley faces and everything else is ALL HIM

1.Date Sent: December 19th
2.Date Recieved: December 21st.. (thats only 2 mail days... thats crazy fast!)
3.How's the food?    Very Bland :)
4.Are you eating fast enough?  Yes, i got pretty good at it, it sucks
5.What's been the most fun so far? Obstacle Course and Church
6.why? Cause i can do it pretty well and it's just fun. and church cause i love it now :)
7.Are you and Zack getting along? We don't really talk, cause we can't
8.Do you two get in trouble alot? Eh not really, we're good.
9.Do the DI's seem kinda cool? The Senior Drill Instructor and the one right below him are, but not the other two.
10.How's the classroom part going? I don't know yet i will know when i take the test.
11.are you on top or bottom bunk? Top :)
12.have you made any other friends? A few we are all friends
13. What are their names, and where are they from?too many to name, but one is Recruit Cowan from SLC
14.Do you sleep o.k. without me? not really, i wake up alot and just think about snuggling with you, cause you know how much i love snuggling.
15.Do you Boys ever say WEEEEE? HECK NO!!!
16.How's Church? Very very good, I Love it!
17.do you have to wear briefs or can you still wear boxer briefs? Briefs :)
18.Are the "go fasters" nice? (those are running shoes by the way) Yes, New Balance. I will buy more
19.are you having fun at all? Eh kinda, can't wait for February though.
20.Did i get you in trouble?(i sent him a photostamp and i wasn't sure if he would get busted) No, i don't know how you could have
21.Do you wish you were at Nissan instead of Bootcamp? NO!
22. What was for dinner tonight?  I think it was Meat Loaf :)



I love my husband! i think i'll send him more surveys... cause i get TONS and TONS of info that i really want/need! YAY LIFE!

Santa hates me.

So it's official... Santa hates me. all i asked for Christmas was a phone call from Riley... I even wrote a letter and put it in Santa's bag at the mall.. ok so i didn't do that... but i really thought about it. maybe i should have, maybe Santa wasn't sure that was what i wanted.

I made some fudge and dropped it off at Zack's parents house for them this evening. i sat and talked with them for a while. and when i left to go back home. it hit me... i just went through an entire Christmas without my better half. and i lost it. I tried calling Lauren and Kat... but understandably they were unable to answer. probably family stuff.

Christmas was hard. because anyone that i would normally call when i needed a rock was busy... and the other few that came to my mind... i didn't know if i wanted to call them bawling... i mean... Lauren has seen me cry more times than i can count. and she's been my best friend for so long i would trust her with my fragile emotions any day.
And Kat has definitely been one of my best friends. and that has only become stronger since the boys left... and i think the fact that i have still talked to noone is making it harder. i'll be fine tomorrow... i promise. but i think for at least tonight i'll let myself wallow in self pity. so don't worry about me. this blasted holiday is almost over, and i will wake up tomorrow having survived.

Initial Drill is tomorrow. i can't wait to hear how Riley's platoon does.
good night everyone.

Phone Call Please?!

so i'ts Christmas Day... so first off MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! so i'm not expecting a phonecall today... but i'm sure hoping for one... there is like a 10% chance that i may get one... so i've had my cell phone at my hip watching out for a San Diego Area Code! i'm getting less hopeful as the day goes on... but they are an hour behind us... sooooooo maybe.... probably not... but i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY Want one!

Well while i am waiting for a possible phonecall... lets move on... for christmas i got new scriptures. i haven't had my own for years. Brittany used mine for seminary and they were a bit tattered to say the least! so i got a Quad they are blue and exactly what i wanted! now i just have to get Riley a new set. i'm thinking a black one... we'll see. so santa did good with that!

My awesome in-laws got me a WAY PRETTY watch. i should take pictures and put them up... cause it's dang cute!. my sister Britt gave me UP! on bluray... i tried watching it today but i dozed... but now i own it so i can watch it whenever i want. YAY! my brother phil got me headbands... Blair Waldorf style.. exactly what i wanted. my stepsister Meagan Crochet me another headband... and i can't believe how cute it is. Ali & Alex gave me a photo mosaic puzzle. and my sister and brother in-law got me a fleece blanket! it's sooo cute! i got some cute earings and games and cute clothes... and if i'm forgetting anything i apologize! oh and Kat came over last night and gave me a necklace she made, a really cute journal, and a purse hook.

so here i sit after a great Christmas... all things considered... but i don't think it will really feel like Christmas unless i get a call. that would be probably the BEST Christmas present in the history of Christmas! Well i want to thank you all for an amazing season. i really do appreciate everything you have all done...

and here is the happiest news yet... 2 months from today. i will be with my husband on family day... i cannot wait!!!

The Little Things.

Today i got my 3rd letter in less than a week... as you can imagine... i was surprised and ecstatic! it was a long one too... well it was technically 2 letters. both written in church on sunday i believe... for those of you following my Riley Updates.... He is going to be ordained an elder in about 4 weeks... which was soooo exciting to hear about... so the next stop will be the temple. for time and all eternity. anyway that was one small part of the letter. most of it was all that mushy stuff, that no-one but me wants to read... but it's the kind of stuff that makes me feel better at night when i'm alone :) so i was walking through the mall today to meet up with Kat real quick. and somehow the letter fell out of my purse... i didn't realize it until we were on the opposite end of the mall and i went to grab it to read it to her (we usually read each other our letters... it almost makes it feel like we're getting twice the letters and updates... and we're absolutely happy for each other when the other gets one.) so we first went back to my car to tear it apart and make sure it wasn't stuck somewhere. about this time i can feel a panic attack coming on... i was trying as hard as i could to NOT hyperventilate. it was NOT in my car. so we retraced my steps back in through macy's and asked the guys at the counter if anything had been turned in.. mr. helpful called around and called the customer relations and started looking for it for me... sweet man! Mr. Douche Nozzle on the other hand. asked what i had lost. when i told him it was my christmas letter from my husband who is away with the military... he like scoffed at me and said "huh, too bad" OOOOOOOOO i almost threw myself over the counter. anyway no one turned it in at macy's so we kept going on my route. the next stop was forever XXI where i had met up with Kat to approve or disapprove of the shirts she was about to buy. we started combing the ground. and then i went up to the counter to ask mr. Flaming if he had seen anything. while i was waiting patiently for mr. flaming to acknowledge that i was waiting patiently to talk to him... Kat popped up with a very very happy look on her face... i seriously almost cried i was so relieved. it was somehow shoved in the panties bin.... where we had been no where near... how it got there, i have no idea... maybe subconsciously Riley wanted to be there..... so he found his way... HAHA wow that didn't sound creepy at all!!!

You never realize how important something is to you, until you think you've lost it forever. i will NEVER take a letter for granted... not that i did before tonight. but it scared me half to death... i will ALWAYS keep better track of my letters from my wonderful husband... I PROMISE.

Anway..... These are the little things that have affected my life today... Thank you Christmas Miracles!

My Christmas Present from Riley

Here is just a few pictures of the Christmas present Riley got me. I still need to go get the gingerbread house pictures... but enjoy! he picked out the chain, the charm on the bottom and the inscription. i put his wedding ring on the chain as well to wear it with me everywhere. once again in case you missed the translation it means "Always There & Always Faithful" Semper Fidelis is part of the USMC motto... but the other part i believe he made it up all on his own. I know, I Know... i have the sweetest husband in the entire world... you can all be jealous now!!!

 

Can't Sleep.

so i can't sleep. but not because i'm sad this time... so continue to read because this is not one of my manic depression posts :) I got another letter from Riley today. it was dated dec 17th. which means it was sent on the 18th... so it only took like 3 mail days to get to me. he finally started to get all the letters i've been sending him. he's grateful i send one everday, he said the letters are really helping. he gets teary eyed every time they call his name for mail... ok seriously i started to choke up when i read that. i mean what kind of world do we live in that in normal life we take day to day communication for granted!!! i will NEVER again take for granted that smallest thing that makes the biggest difference. i mean i'm having a bit of a rough time with him gone.. i can't even imagine what he's going through.. especially to make him so emotional at the thought of me remembering to write him a letter everyday... and if me taking 20 minutes to write him a page or 2 everyday makes his life more bearable, you bet your ass i'm going to continue to do so.

He also said the first thing he wants to do when he gets done... is get pizza... so i guess we know what his special graduation dinner will be... probably a costco pizza :)

He seems to be doing really well... infact his exact words were "don't worr about me here, i am confident that i will do VERY well" he's amazing... have i told you all that lately... I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!! and he is sooo incredibly thoughtful too...

he said he's trying to better himself by going to church. i already knew that. and i'm so proud of him for that as well.

So here i sit, on my actually comfy futon of a bed, Re-reading his letter by just the light of the Christmas lights outside. trying to memorize his every word. and remember his voice and the way the words would sound out of his mouth. i always thought... before the whole military thing. that if Riley had died or something along those lines, that i wouldn't be able to remember his voice... and the way he said things... and so far... i think i'm proving to myself... that i'm better at remembering him than i thought i was. i did find a bunch of videos on my camcorder from this past year. and listening to those... his voice does sound a bit strange to actually hear it.. not that i don't remember it.. it's just weird to hear it out loud.

Riley also wrote that he had to hurry and finish his letter cause he, well heres what he said "i have to go iron my cover now. by the way cover means hat :) yupp i'm still wearing one" anyone of you that actually knows riley... even a little... if you've ever seen him without a hat on.. it's been a very rare thing. the boy has 27 hats for crying out loud... thats another reason i know he's doing well... is that he's writing to me about his new hats to add to his collection.

I LOVE THIS BOY... IT'S OFFICIAL... AFTER 6 1/4 YEARS SINCE OUR FIRST DATE... I'M STILL CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

Delta Company Platoon 1061

alright so i haven't updated in a few so here we go!!! ok so a few weeks ago i received a form letter from Riley basically he got to write my name and sign his... thats it.. but the info was what i really needed from it anyway. He is in the first training Battalion Delta Company Platoon 1061. I've heard the Delta company Drill Instructors are AWESOME... so lets hope he has a similar experience. a few days after i got that letter i got a brochure with graduation info and such... so i was kinda bummed that i hadn't received any REAL letters yet.. and the week after he left i did get a call from someone who works at the mormon church there. he let me know Riley had a really good attitude and he seemed to be making alot of friends. i was really really worried that Zack and Riley had been separated and somehow were NOT in the same platoon... so i called Kat in a panic and west assured that Zack was also in platoon 1061... YAY. so then this last tuesday i was sitting at the counter talking to my mom. it was pretty early in the day, and my phone rang. The caller I.D. said "Riley's Bishop" cause i'm not sure what exactly this guy does at the church but at least i know who is calling. he kept the call brief but let me know that they had taken a picture at church a few days prior and wanted to know if i wanted him to e-mail it to me. apparently i'm not supposed to be able to get a picture of him while in bootcamp....but he likes me and seems to be pulling alot of strings for me.. so i was the only person to be sent this picture. i was soooo incredibly happy. i ordered prints and brought them to Zack's parents so they could have a copy. and i brought a few to Kat too.. she was pretty happy. Thursday i got my first REAL letter... it was fairly short and mostly directed at me... but if anyone is interested here is a tiny snipet.
"just wanted you to know i'm doing o.k. and that boot camp is bad but not horrible. it's just like what Worthen said about holy crap what did i get my self into :)"
Kat had to wait a few more days for her letter, hers was shorter but kinda funny. apparently Zack lost something and was getting in trouble when he wrote it... I miss the boys!
heres the pic by the way! he's right in back of Zack.. middle left side. Zack is wearing his birth control glasses. and Riley is only like a cm taller :)

so then on saturday i had a christmas party for Riley's family. it was for his mom's side of the family. so his parents and sister drove up for the party. they brought up my christmas presents including one that Riley bought for me before he left and had his parents bring up for me. they had me open it then so that they could explain it... it was a necklace... i'll take a picture today. it's a really nice dog tag and a little heart charm on a girly but still dog tagish looking chain. The dog tag was inscribed with this phrase on it.
"Semper Ibi & Semper Fidelis" Which is Latin for "Always There & Always Faithful" Semper Fidelis is the USMC's motto but i think he made up the other part and put it on there. it was SWEET of him.
his cousin had put together a video slideshow of each family and each family had a different song with it. i should put ours up... the song was PERFECT!  by the end of the 20 sec clip all four of us were crying. and i wasn't expecting that. anyway the party was awesome and i'm really really glad i went.

Yesterday i was invited to Zack's parents house for Gingerbread House night. Kat and I spent almost 5 hours working on the MCRD USMC barracks Gingerbread House. it turned out perfect.. i need to get pictures of that too... so watch out for that this next week... i'll try to load up on pictures and just post a bunch of them!

Busy Day! No Time For The Sniffles!!!

HELLO RANDOM CYBERSPACE READERS! Usually I write my blog at night when i'm having trouble sleeping.... but guess what?!?! The only thing hindering my sleep at the moment, is this little cold i have....  So other than the clogged nose and then the runny nose, and then the clogged nose again, I sleep fine. I mean i don't go to bed at 9 or 10 everynight... but lets face it... i'm not old! i'm a 21 year old girl (YES YOU JERKS I'M STILL 21 FOR ABOUT 7 MORE WEEKS!) but really everyone, I'm doing fantastic! I'm Re-Learning how to be alone. The last time Riley and I did not spend Christmas together was 6 years ago... when we were just casually dating, and of course i was dating like a billion other guys. so thats been the biggest shock, is when i want to plan out my days... i plan for just ME, rather than trying to find something we would BOTH want to do.
But Honestly and Seriously... I'm fine! am i ready for Feb 26th to get here.... ABSOLUTELY!!!! I didn't say i was in LOVE with the situation! I'm ready for this little experiment to be DONE. But i'm going to be O.K. until it is... I got a call from his bishop a few days ago... he took a picture of the Delta Co Mormon Boys, and then he was OH SO NICE as to e-mail it to me... I think in Feb i'm going to Find this Guy and give him a HUGE hug!

So Anyway, today Kat and I are going up to get our military I.D's and i'll probably do a bit of christmas shopping... and then tonight Lauren and Dallin have been nice enough to invite me with them up to temple square to see the lights and go see "Savior of the World" in the conference center. I'm super excited for that. it should be awesome! I'll have to bring my Camera up and take tons of Pictures.

Last night i found my flip video camera.. and i think it's time to resurrect that thing! i've used it a few times this past year. and i found ALL the videos from 2009... and they made me absolutely elated! so i decided i need to start video taping more! maybe i should take it with me today.. that way when Riley comes home, he has TONS of videos of what i did. and i know he's not big on watching videos... but i mean what if... HEAVEN FORBID... something happened to me.. I'd like him to at least have the option of sitting on the living room floor watching lame ol home videos over and over and over, with a box of tissues and a bowl of chex mix... SOOOO i'm really going to try and be better about documenting our life! i think it's harder cause we don't have a Kid.. but i'm not going to have a baby for the pure reason that it might help me be better at video taping...

so this has been a pretty random post! Hope you all enjoyed it! let me leave you with a few Christmas Pictures from Last year... YAY LIFE.

CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR RILEY!!!

soooo boys and girls.... if you look back a few post, i put up the rules for while Riley is at BootCamp... one of them being, that i am not allowed to send ANYTHING other than letters and the occasional picture. well i was trying to figure out what to do for Riley for Christmas, his birthday, and Valentines day... WELLLLLLLLL i found a loophole! YAY ME

Today it hit me like a ton of Bricks... "Sav" i said to myself.... "yes?" i answered back...
"Why don't you order Photo Stamps.. that way he gets a picture of you with every letter?!"
"Wow Sav, you're pretty Brilliant sometimes... should i use a Wedding picture, or one that Xandra did?"
"Silly Sav, Neither! You need to get some new pictures done." "Oh... what kind of pictures?" "Pictures against a white wall that completely represent the essence of Sav... That way Rye can see that pretty Amazing Girl he left behind everyday!" "ya... i think you're right... Should i set up my Tri-pod or have Phil take it?" "NEITHER YOU DUMB GIRL!!! You're best friend is a photographer... call her up!"

So I called Lauren... AND ARE YOU READY FOR THE RESULTS!!!! i think you are! these are just the pictures. the Stamps are in the mail as we speak! but here are the pictures! AND A HUGE THANK YOU TO LAUREN! You made this entire thing AMAZING. i think you definitely captured everything about me in 3 simple pictures. once again... this is why you are my best friend! The last one is Laurens Favorite one!

I'm Fine..

i think i was all hormonal last night... cause today was AMAZING! seriously... i learned how to play "silent night" and "dreaming with a broken heart" on the piano. Paul-o took me out for a very fancy lunch at the golden arches. then i got to go pick Phil up from school, with Shanae, and ali missed the bus so i got her and Caitlin too. dropped the girls off at home and then took Phil and Shanae to Acting Up. saw some ALWAYS amazing friends! then i was told to get food for the 3 of em... so after going over to Zack's sisters apartment to get my bangs trimmed i went and got a costco pizza for them. i brought the leftovers to Lauren and Dal's house. and me and lauren played Harry Potter on the Wii... now me and lauren have been playing the harry potter video games for probably about 6 years... so it was SOOO MUCH FUN!

now the downfalls of the day... it snowed... which is an UP... except that i almost died about 1935 times while driving today.. and thats no good, cause Rye probably wants me alive when he gets back. so i drove like a freaking 90 yr old woman... but i am ALIVE, my car is NOT SCRATCHED... except for any scratches that existed before today.

tomorrow i'm looking forward to the Acting Up Christmas performance... i think Lauren is going with me tomorrow.. or maybe we decided on Wednesday.. i don't remember. also..... looking forward to a little later this week... i really hope everything turns out like i really want it to.and i really want to finish this winter puzzle i started last night. i didn't get to touch it today... but.... i'm about halfway done...

I'm listening to New Moon again. I love that book. and this is the first time i haven't cried when he leaves... it's like the 10th time i've read it... and this last time i've switched from Team Edward to Team Jakeward.... so don't know what that really has to do with my life... BUT IT DOES!!!! anyway... if you're going to the performance tomorrow... i'll see you there!

I love my life, my friends, my family, MY IN-LAWS, my amazing little nephew who misses me and wants to call me on the phone, My church, my car!, my mostly clear skin for the moment, the fact that Dal moved his truck so i didn't have to sleep on their couch, Josh Groban, and more than anything in the world I love Riley Robert Gardiner, the boy that came into my life in the fall of 2003, and in summer 2004 he stole my heart forever... I love the fact that he will belt Phantom of the Opera and then debate you on the fact that it's not a musical... cause it's Badass... I love that he usually would get out of giving me a back massage so now i'm not missing anything :), I love that he has a different hat for every outfit. and that the Marines will give him plenty of new outfits.... EACH WITH A MATCHING HAT! and i love that he has let me grow into the girl i am supposed to be.

I'm done sulking... he wouldn't want me to be miserable during his favorite holiday of the year! so as long as Lauren and Dallin aren't sick of me... i'm just going to keep busy! i really am fine... i can function without him. i really can. it's just i don't know... it's like the weirdest thing in the world.

SO DON'T WORRY WORLD... i'm going to be ok... thanks for giving me a week to readjust.

-Sav

2:54

I can't sleep anymore... which is wierd cause i've never had a problem sleeping when he was gone before. like when he went for boys time in Vegas last year, i slept wonderfully, i even told him he should leave more often :)
then last Christmas he left for a week for job training... and the only reason i didn't sleep well then was cause i was afraid someone would break into my house... but as soon as i got the Gun out and made should i had a magazine near by and the safety checked i slept like a baby. i wonder if it's just because it's a more permanent situation here... well either way.. this can't be very healthy for me. so as soon as Cat and I get our Military I.D.'s i need to make a whole bunch of Dr. apts. i need to see the Optometrist, and the always fun girl doctor :) and i need to see the dentist.. and on top of all those i guess i need to see if my dr can write me a prescription for some sort of sleeping medicine. cause it's like when i do finally fall asleep around 12 or 1 ish... i wake up every hour or so. and then i'm up for like 20 minutes. SOOOO irritating. so now it's past 3 and i need to get up in less than 4 hours to get dressed so i can drive Phil to school... plus with the snow i'll have to scrape my car... when i say I'll i mean I'll have to make phil do it.. :)

on a happier note... i got to see all sorts of people that i love and adore this week. Lauren (and Dal of course), Collee, Laurel, Jordon, Xandra, Ben, AJ, Pasquale, and i'm sure ton's more that i can't think of. so to everyone who i saw this week... Thank you, seriously, you all made my life bearable this past week. you'll probably never know how much it really meant to me.. even the cumulative 4 minutes i talked to AJ, that was 4 minutes that i felt like a normal person. lately i feel like everyone is staring at me.

My mom keeps telling me i look depressed... I know she is just worried... but all that makes me think is that everyone can take one quick glance at me and know that i just want to cry. and i do. about 80% of the day i do... but i can't because it's not going to do me any good... so i suck it up and bottle it in. thats probably part of my sleeping problems...

I usually feel better when i write him his daily letter.. but since i don't have his address until i get his first letter.. they are all bobby pinned together on top of my tv. and so i feel fine right after i write a letter, cause it almost feels like we're really talking. like i can really vent to him as if he were here... but i see them piling up and it reiterates the fact that he has absolutely no idea whats on my mind. he doesn't know that i just wrote him and told him i had food poisoning last night. and he doesn't know about the conversation with a mean old lady that made me have to choke back tears. or how my stupid little brother had the audacity to insult him by saying he was in the army... WHICH HE'S NOT! or that when i tell some people where he is, that they give me that look of pity, and sometimes tell me he's going to die... since when is that an ok thing to say. i would never ever ever try to tell someone that i thought someone they loved was going to die... i think about it enough already.

and if i didn't have complete faith in God, i would be terrified... but i know that if god forbid anything did happen to him.. it's supposed to.

and so i cry myself to sleep everynight at about 3 a.m. and then when i wake up an hour later and he's not there shoving his arm under my head in the most uncomfortable way, i cry again because all i want is his morning breath... and that sounds totally lame but i just don't want to forget anything about him. i walked in a hollister the other day... so that i could smell him (he wears the hollister cologne) and it's his favorite store.. and I almost wanted to go to the rock canyon bowl with some friends... but i almost feel like thats our sacred spot... we spent probably 200 hours there in high school, sitting on the grass hill and just talking.. and thats where he proposed to me on a snowy February night.

until Riley left whenever anyone asked me who my best friend was, it was the easiest answer.. Lauren... Riley was my husband and the closest person to me, but Lauren i felt was my best friend, who would be there for me, no matter what i needed... with him away though... you start to realize how much you depended on them for.  i mean Lauren is AMAZING! and i couldn't survive without her.. but i didn't really know how much i needed Riley before... because i don't want to sit and vent to Lauren about STUPID stuff constantly, because i would get irritating. but it's like Riley married me, He has to sit through my dumb stories, and he tells me when i smell bad and need to shower... and being depressed like this.. it takes every once of energy to get up in the morning... and shower and do my hair... because i don't want to look frumpy when he gets back.. and NOONE will want to spend time with me if i don't shower...

so this week... i'll be heading up to ikea to pick up a million pic frames and i'm going to cover my walls with happy pictures, of him, and us, and our amazing friends... and hopefully that helps.. and seriously i don't expect anyone to read my entire blog... but it just kinda feels good to empty out EVERYTHING into cyberland where i don't feel like it's bottled up.. or sitting on top of a t.v. waiting for an address.

Alone...

Well on Tuesday i spent most of the day up in Salt Lake, waiting to watch Riley swear into the Marines. there was alot of drama, and problems with everything... lets just say it was a VERY stressful day. the four of us (Rye, Zack, Cat, and I) sat in a TINY room with 4 arcade games for about 6 hours. all the other recruits that were shipping out for all the branches were in another room. but Sgt Worthen worked it so we could hang out until they had to leave. not that it was really hanging out since we were all stressed out of our freakin minds! so around 2 ish... the mess with Riley's contract was figured out... not fixed just figured out, and the boys went into swear in. Thats when it kinda hit me, that i wasn't going to see this man for 3 1/2 months. but for some reason i was still weirdly calm, i wasn't crying or even tearing up like Cat was. But then Rye came and gave me the last hug.. and my eyes welled up alot.. but i still didn't cry.

then on our way back from slc Cat was driving and bawling and we got pulled over... so the cop comes up and asks where the emergency is she broke down and told him we just dropped our husbands off for boot camp and she wasn't paying attention to her speed at all. he then informed us that we were going about 95 mph... but apparently he's either patriotic or he felt pity for us... but either way... TICKET FREE!!!! YAY HWY PATROL... you made a pretty crappy day... that much less crappy!

So later i went over to Lauren's house to try and keep my mind off of things. we watched "The Holiday" doodily doo! and played Wii... and then i remembered why she is my best friend. because she knows when i need to talk about things and when i just need to think of NOTHING... and She's pretty amazing!

so on my way home i looked at the clock and realized that Riley was probably just arriving at mcrd (bootcamp) and i made the mistake of thinking about what he was probably doing at that same moment. I realized he was probably getting violently yelled at and it made me sick to my stomach... i had that lump in your throat when you can barely swallow. so i tried to clear my mind again and not think about him AT ALL (next to impossible.) but i did it and i was ok. i went home and was excited to watch Gossip Girl and unpack my room.

while getting ready for bed my phone rang from the other room and i missed the call just barely. so i checked my voicemail and it was him... the first thing i heard was SCREAMING in the background... and then a series of yes sir and no sir's... and then i heard his voice... cept that it wasn't Riley.. it was not the dopey, happy go lucky guy i married... he sounded scared... it was a 20 sec message basically stating that he arrived and i will recieve a letter within the next week or so with his info and grad date on it. LOVE YOU BYE.... and then a quick click... you could tell he was reading a script given to him, and that there was a drill instructor in his face making sure he said exactly as he was told. It was the creepiest thing i've ever heard in my life... and it all hit me... at that moment it became VERY REAL. I called Cat in hysterics and luckily she had received the same phone call and was equally creeped out by it... but she had cried earlier so for some reason she was kind of calm. i bawled for about an hour while on the phone with her. and she told me that until that phonecall i was in complete denial... i mean until then i guess i just told myself that him and Zack were just hanging out.. i know it probably sound crazy but i guess that's how i was dealing with it.. more like NOT dealing with it.

so Lauren took me out to magelbys for breakfast yesterday which was awesome.. and i hung out with her till she had to go to class at 2 ish... and ever since then i've kinda settled into like a depressed zombie like routine. i mean i respond to people when they talk to me and i'll try to participate in conversations... but i end up just blanking out of reality and just staring at NOTHING for like 10 minutes at a time.. and i can tell that i have this constant look on my face that i never had before... i don't feel like myself... but i'm trying... i guess thats what really counts right... i feel better when i'm in zombie mood during the day cause i don't hurt as much.. i can't really feel the void thats there. but Nighttime is alot worse... i can't sleep.... i have to watch tv till i fall asleep, i wake up with it still on... and during the day i can't eat. i'm not hungry and when i do eat i'm forcing it down because i don't feel hungry at all...

I'll be ok. it's just 91 more days right...

OOO RAH! :) I love my life.. this is just a small blip in a very long and happy life.