Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Here we go.

Another month is coming to a close... which means a NEW one is starting... the last month we'll ever have of 2011, treasure it.

I have been in a funk all week. Like REALLY in a not so fantastic mood. I am trying really hard... and that may be my problem. I just need to let go... and trust that i will be seriously and truly happy again. I have an AMAZING husband (seriously, he is the best) and a MOST OF THE TIME awesome dog... (except this morning when i found one of my good pairs of scissors RUINED)...

As i laid in bed last night with a few tears streaming down my face i thought to myself... Is not having a baby REALLY worth crying over... to which i quickly responded with a snotty sniffle and a "uh-huh". I had a breakdown... i know, CALL THE PRESS... it happens. I'm not always this strong woman you all may think i am. I struggle... DAILY. Rye came into bed laid on his side with Dee in between us, just reached over, grabbed my hand... and simply told me "it's gonna happen babe". that's all it took... one simple touch to stop my breakdown in session.

Then i think about it... people are asking me what i want for Christmas... ALL I WANT... is two pink lines. that's it. I want to know WITHOUT a doubt!!! that before Riley leaves this country again... that i will have a piece of him. That i will forever be able to look at our child and say "WE MADE THAT!" I want him to have a bigger reason to come home. I want to give him what he so badly wants. But no one can give that to me.

I never thought after our cruise in Nov 2007 that i would be here 4 years later.. still without a kid. I'm just about to that point, where i am starting to lose hope of it happening... and i don't need people to tell me that it's going to be ok... cause what if it's not. What if we NEVER get a baby G....

UGH LISTEN TO ME, i sound like such a negative Nancy!!! ok, i'm getting off the couch, putting on my new running clothes and going for a run... i need endorphins.... NOW!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I'M SORRRRRRRY!!! i've been BEYOND busy!

I seriously thought every single day about what i needed to post for what i am thankful for... so rather than post 10 back posts... i will just finish these gratitude posts with what i seem to be most thankful for lately.

I'm thankful that i'm healthy. I may not be getting ready to add a little one to our family right now... but there is physically no reason why i should not be able to do that sometime soon. Actually there is no reason that i should not be doing that NOW, but that's besides the point. I'M HEALTHY.... so many others are not able to say that right now. I am beyond thankful that i am one of those that IS able to say that. oh and in case you were wondering, my nephew Jaxon... COMPLETELY done with cancer treatments. CANCER FREE! Health is something that we take for granted... and we shouldn't. Because we never know when that may be taken away from us.

I had a dr. appointment this last week, and while things not be going the way i REALLY want them too.... They are going pretty good. And someday, we'll have a little Baby G.... but for now, i'm ok with where i am.

Every month that it's just Rye Deezul and I is another month i am able to continue to work out as vigorously as i have been. Riley and I are happy and healthy... and THAT is what i am most thankful for this year.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Thankful Day 15- Surprise Visits

Today i am thankful for those times when you are driving home, just wanting to get in the door so you can fully break down... and you try to pull in but someone is in your parking spot.

Tonight i got home to find that Steph decided to join us for dinner, i walked in on her and Rye playing his new call of duty. soon after, Kyle showed up. I wasn't even given the chance to break down and cry, i just realized how truly blessed i really am.

It's been a hard week. i'm super busy which always makes my emotions run high. But i would also be finding out this week if we were going to have a girl or boy, it's one of those milestones that i had marked on the calendar and a countdown on my phone for.

I had a meeting tonight, and of course i was the only wife that was not either pregnant or already had kids... And as usual i felt completely ostracized because of that. People never know what to say when they learn i don't have kids after half a decade of marriage, they always assume we don't want kids, and i think that instantly makes them have harsher feelings towards me, like i don't like kids or something. So i'm on my way home, this sad song comes on the radio and i just LOSE it. i mean i have tears just streaming down my face, i'm ready to go inside and just cry on Rye's shoulder and complain about how it's not fair, and all i want is a child is that SO much to ask for....

I never got that chance. I have just spent the last 2 hours spending time with a few of our best friends here, laughing and chatting about all sorts of things. Making it impossible for me to be ungrateful. It's obviously not my time for a baby right now, So i just need to be thankful for everything i HAVE been given, and be patient for those things i want so badly.

Try not to get caught up in the situation you are in, stop. take a look around. and realized how completely blessed you are.

Thankful Day 14- That 1 Year has passed.

Exactly 1 year ago from the 14th, i played the waiting game. of going home for a few minutes and then getting called back.. just waiting for that one last goodbye as the buses pulled away. It is crazy that a year has passed. if does NOT feel like an entire year.

This year, Rye and I spent the afternoon grocery shopping for thanksgiving next week. We joked and made a date of it, before i left for a few extra hours of work. only to return home and find that my husband was getting sicker by the minute with this awful cold. So we made a late night trip to safeway and got him all drugged up on nyquil so he could actually get some sleep.....

And in the morning, he was right there. I cannot explain to you the joy of waking up and seeing him there. When he left for this last training, i didn't realize that i ever did this before, but i would find myself just reaching over to his side of the bed to just touch him, and he wasn't there... it was EXTREMELY depressing.

I am SO thankful that this last year is over. SOOOO thankful. I don't know if he'll be here next year on this day, so for now... i'm going to savor it.

Thankful Day 13- Phone Insurance

Every military wife LIVES with her phone attached to her. knowing at the most inconvenient time... your husband will find time in a war zone to pick up the phone and call you... and you BETTER be ready to drop EVERYTHING. I cannot tell you how many times i went into a meeting or somewhere important where i immediately apologized in advance in case my phone rang, and i just got up and ran out... it happens. The most devastating thing during a deployment is to NOT have a working phone. Thank goodness i did not have to deal with this, but MANY of the other wives did. Steph had to put a message on her voice mail a few times telling her husband to call MY number.

I firmly believe in phone insurance... when i was 17 i shattered my phone while roller skating, and my mom told me she would NOT replace it... luckily sprint was nice enough to add phone insurance and then replace it :) ever since that moment i was a believer... verizon is NOT quite so accomidating and i am SO GLAD to be back with sprint. This weekend at church my phone found it's way to the garbage can in nursery. I think a child accidentally knocked it into there... Riley is convinced it fell out of my purse and in there. WHATEVER, it's done, who cares HOW it happened. all i know is that i am SO HAPPY that i have phone insurance on my $500 phone. We quickly went into the sprint store and without ANY questions they ordered me a new phone. however i must wait until Wednesday (HOPEFULLY) to get it... so until then, i am without a phone. It is a bit difficult trying to work out our schedules with one car, and me without a phone. I am just thankful that this little mishap will not cost me anything... Things could have been MUCH worse... and for that, i am thankful they are NOT.

Thankful Day 12- Laughter

I am thankful for my ability to laugh, and laugh often. I am a very happy person, and i LOVE laughing with friends. I love all the inside jokes that only Rye and I are able to laugh at.

I love playing balderdash with my dad and siblings and laughing so hard that i have ACTUALLY peed my pants a few times....ya... i just admitted that.... eh, don't lie... you've been there. OR you're jealous!

I love laughing so hard at a joke you are in the middle of telling that you can't finish the joke because A.) you are in hysterics and B.) it's NOT that funny, and there is no reason you should be crying from laughing so hard.

I love laughing at what an idiot i can be at times... i was playing a game with a bunch of guys from Acting Up, the question was "what should a man NOT do in bed" we were all secretly writing our answers so we could guess who wrote what... me being the only married one in the group, didn't take the question to be "dirty" and wrote down "clip his toenails".................. ya, it wasn't hard to guess that was my answer....

I love trying really hard not to laugh, and trying to keep my cool when the guys are being really funny.... but knowing in my head that i need to look "cool" rather than laugh at something we all KNOW is funny. And then i just look like an idiot trying to hold in a laugh.

I am mostly thankful that i have things in my life that i am able to laugh about.... i know it won't always be like this, there will be times when there is not much funny in my life... and then there will be the good times... THESE my friends, are the good times!

Thankful Day 11- Veteren's

Veteran's day is something that is MUCH closer to me than ever before. I always knew it growing up as the small holiday that shared my youngest sister's birthday. When i heard the word veteran i would think of those older gentlemen in costco with their hats letting the rest of us know that they were in Korea or Vietnam... I did not ever imagine that i would be married to a Veteran or the Afghanistan war...

When the towers were first hit, i was in middle school. We sat in our history class for weeks and talked about the repercussions of what was happening. The Olympics were well on their way to Utah within only months, and as anyone that lived in Utah at that time knows... we were a target, and we were all a little worried. I remember Ben (the love of my short middle school life, HA) leaned over and told me that the government was going to have to restart the draft, and he was for SURE going to be drafted... and if he wasn't he would lie about his age and join in the fight.... ya... i think we all assumed it was the start of world war 3, and that our government was just as unable to find out someones age as they were in the 40's... it was a nice thing to say to a girl Ben, so you get points for that... but a very poorly thought out plan. I told him he was an idiot and they wouldn't start the draft, he then said he would wait till his 18th birthday, to which i replied that the "war" we were expecting would be LONG over by then...

Who would have known that 10 years later i would be married to a man who was brave enough to leave me for a short period of time(even though it felt like lightyears) and join in the fight.

Last veteran's day i was preparing for Riley to leave any day... others in his unit had left already. people thanked us both for his service on facebook and over the phone... and i was furious with every message, they just reminded me of the ultimate sacrifice i was PRAYING would not be made, i was trying to keep myself together so that i could enjoy what i hoped would not be our last week together. Don't get me wrong, i still appreciated everyone recognizing the choice we made to join this lifestyle.

This year is different. I have Riley back home with me. He is safe, and we were able to spend this holiday that is so dear to my heart now, together. After spending the evening before in downtown Waikiki for the ball having random strangers tell Riley happy birthday, and thanking him for his service... i assumed that would be the end of our long weekend to celebrate the USMC birthday and Veteran's day. I never imagined how many people would actually go out of their way to make a B-line for us and quickly thank Rye for all he has done. Only being able to spot him by his lack of hair :)

We decided to scale a mountain to celebrate the holiday. Koko head is hard... don't let anyone lie to you and tell you otherwise. it was GORGEOUS!!! and totally worth the work, my thighs STILL hurt, days later. As we approached our car there was a sweaty man with his arms far above his head just standing and as i stated "airing out his pits within smelling distance of the car... great..." He approached us and asked if we were heading into town, their group got locked out of their car and they needed a ride into town to get the spare. Riley i guess was feeling very kind, and said it was no problem. Rye drove an hour out of his way just so that these people would not have to call a cab and a locksmith. It's that kind of attitude that makes him the kind of man i am proud to call my husband.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thankful Day 10- Self Confidence

I have never struggled COMPLETELY with self confidence, however i have never once thought of myself as the prettiest girl in the room. I know that i have been given talents and skills, I also know that others have similar talents and skills FAR superior to mine.

I feel you just need to find that happy medium. Where you are happy with how you are, but are never content to the point of not wanting to improve in some way. I saw a quote on pinterest that i LOVE it was something like "Too Much Ego will Kill your Talent" and it's TRUE. when you talk yourself up too much, people expect SO much more, and are more likely to be disappointed.

I am so grateful for parents that brought me up with the understanding that i am WORTH something. That i am good enough to not have to settle for anything. I have a dad who still on a regular basis will tell me how proud he is, and how beautiful he thinks i am ( i look JUST like him, so i hope he thinks i'm attractive :) ). I have a husband who never lets my head get too big... HAHA He will praise me for things i deserve praise on, and let me know when i'm being overly cocky about something i shouldn't be.

Mostly, i am just thankful that I am happy being me. I am ok with the flaws i have, and i'm ok with not being the best at everything, or anything :) I am Savannah, and i'm AWESOME. and i'm thankful for that.

Thankful Day 9- Amazing Music

It's not secret that i'm a nerd... Ya i have never ever denied that. I will sing just about anything in the shower, or while doing chores.... or while chilling on the back porch with Deezul... pretty much i just love to sing, When Rye is gone, Pandora is a constant in my house. There is NOTHING better than good music for any sort of mood.

I have a few new favorite bands/artists this year that have been good enough that i will listen to their albums on repeat for at least a few days. Including but not limited too
-Sara Barreiles -Jason Aldean - Mumford and Sons -Kings of Leon ..... Seriously the list goes on.. those are just the few stuck in my head right now.

I honestly feel that there is a soundtrack for every type of occasion, sometimes i just need to be sad, so i blast some Nora Jones "Come Away With Me" and songs that match with it, and just let it all out... OTHER times i feel the need to just BELT, so out comes my celine dion pandora list, so i can cook dinner and just SING.

Sometimes i just need to get back into the old Acting Up groove and belt some show tunes... ya, i'm one of those girls. We try to have enough Rockband parties that i am able to still feel like a star on occasion, but i still feel that something is missing and i may just have to try out for a play sometime soon..... HA we'll see how Riley feels about that.

Thankful Day 8- New Friends

Just to start this out, I want to apologize for NOT staying with this everyday, i had internet issues.... SOOOO and NOW i am without a phone for a few more days, so just bear with me... days 8-14 are coming at ya within the next few hours.

New Friends... i am SO thankful for all the new friends this life has brought us. I know i have shared this before but when Rye and I were still living in St George, he mentioned multiple times that he wished we had friends to just have a BBQ with, or a game night. and now we have SO many new friends and we are able to do the things he always wanted to.

When Riley was gone a few weeks ago, I was texted by a few of the guys who did not go to the training, making sure that i knew if i needed anything to make sure and call them. It was such a comfort knowing that if i found a centipede or rat (PLEASE NO) in my house, that i would actually have someone to call. because not knowing anyone who is able to help with that kind of stuff makes you feel more isolated on this tiny island.

Some friendships don't last too long, others last as long as they are meant to, and some last for a lifetime. No matter how long the friendship, they serve their purpose. To teach us to trust others... to teach us NOT to trust others so easily, to teach us that sometimes we NEED to humble ourselves and ask for helps, the lessons are never the same. So to those "New" friends for me, some of whom may not be friends anymore. I am thankful for you, as well as the lessons you have provided me.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Thankful Day 7- My Husband's Skills

This last week as i was driving home from the vet with Deezul, a woman side-swiped me, she was only close enough to smack my side view mirror.... I heard the noise, looked over in time to see her "OH CRAP" look on her face... and that quickly turned into a panicked "HURRY HURRY" look as she hit the gas a pulled away, turning left as i turned right so i was unable to get her plate number.

I drove back to base with my mirror dangling, The guy at the front gate (it's one of the cops that i really like, he's the nicest man every day as i drive onto base, and has slowly over the past year learned a little about me, including that i work at the ASYMCA, my dog's name is Deezul, and he even knows i'm Mormon (that last one was spilled by one of the Marines that was irritated that they pulled us over for Riley having blood shot eyes)) He asked me what the heck happened, as the other gate guards were getting ready to issue a fix it ticket to me. i explained that some woman just did a hit and run and i was furious, but my husband was due back in a few days and would fix it. So my new favorite gate guard got me off with not even a warning but just a "try and have a better rest of your day"

I had to let Riley know that Dee and I were in a hit and run, but that we were both ok, and it could have been much worse. He assured me that he would fix it as soon as possible.... so i did a super ghetto duct tape job to get me through the week, i wasn't even sure it would hold up on the freeway.... YIKES.

Riley returned LATE last night, we had to drop Deezul back off at the vet's office for another surgery, and then i headed off to preschool.... 4 hours later when i returned home.. MY MIRROR WAS FIXED!!! when i told him how impressed i was he replied with "Sav, it pays off to have this knowledge!" YES IT DOES!!! what would have been at LEAST $150 to fix was less than $10.

I am SO thankful for Riley's knowledge of cars, it is what let us be able to buy a car for $500 that is EASILY worth more than $3500, and fix EVERYTHING wrong with it for $100. it is an extremely valuable skill and one i am forever grateful for.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Thankful Day 6- Reunions

Before Riley joined the Marines, we had not spent any time of our married life away from each other, except for my 4 day trip to New Orleans, and his week long training in California for his old job. While we were dating we would have to go a week (two TOPS) without seeing each other for a few months while he was living 4 hours away. But we all know being married is COMPLETELY different than dating. so we really never spent any time away.

We were both ok with this, we are best friends and there is no one in the world i would rather spend everyday with! And i am not just saying that either. He doesn't often have "guys day" because he always ends up dragging me along on whatever adventure they have planned.

Everyone knows that i did the math and figured out that i spent 60% of our first year in the military away from each other... that is a HUGE difference to seeing each other EVERY day... What is the best part about him leaving for periods of time? ya i don't get asked that often.... or EVER for that matter. however there is a good part about him leaving... it means we get to enjoy another reunion. They are the happiest part of my life!

It keeps things fresh. But it is definitely not for everyone. It is NOT easy to be apart, and i credit my strength with the fact that we were able to solidify the foundation of our relationship before being thrown into this crazy hampster wheel. Every time he leaves, i am given the opportunity to improve myself and our surroundings so that he comes home to something better than what he left. I am able to realize how much i miss him, and how much i really do need him, but also as much as i NEED him... i'm able to do this. I CAN be alone.

The reunion though... that is something that only a military wife fully understands. When he was at bootcamp and there was absolutely no contact other than letters, he didn't feel real. It honestly felt like he was gone forever, in a totally new life. THAT is what i imagine having a missionary would be like.. but deployments, and trainings... When they leave for training, it's hard because you know that he is training to LEAVE, and that it's only __ weeks or days THIS time, but soon he'll be gone for a long time... And deployments are not fun, easy and are not cookie cutter- each one is completely different. You say goodbye, and you go home and you Pray to God every night that he is going to be ok. You rush to your phone EVERY call, because you never know if one of them may be the last. You don't argue because you don't want unkind words that you may have to live with and regret for the rest of your life.

When they return home from a deployment, it's proof that they are alive and well. even if they had called you the day before or week before to tell you they are on their way home. For us on the home front, it's not over until you spot them coming off the plane. Holding him after time away from him is the greatest feeling in the world. i have never felt as close to God as the moment i held Riley in my arms off the plane from Afghanistan, tears streaming down my face, Thanking him silently for bringing him home to me. Thanking him that i won't have to say "the last time we ever"

and THAT is what makes me ok with this military life. for those days, like today... when i get Riley home after he's been gone. Because as strong as i am... and as well as i can handle things back home... I need him more than anyone could ever know.

Thankful Day 5- Girls day

Remember remember the 5th of November! Real quickly, i am sure many are relieved that facebook was not "taken out" in honor of Guy Fawkes day... i was kinda hoping that it would... oh well.

Today I am thankful for Girls days. Steph just barely left (ya it's nearly 3 am... we party hard)..... HA. Her husband is in a training that means ALOT of homework so he spent the day with the boys studying and she spent the day with me, watching chick flicks and having a home "spa" day.

We made this face mask i saw on pinterest made with honey, nutmeg, and cinnamon. it was quite melty on our face, but i will most definitely do it again, my skin has such a nice glow, and feels so soft! After that we got out my Mary Kay Peach Satin hands and satinized our feet and then our hands, rinsed off our face mask and then did satin lips.

I then had to go try on my gown for the ball and make sure the girl that is altering it took it in enough. SHE'S AMAZING!!!!

As much drama as girls cause... and as mean as girls can be... you simply NEED to have a girls day every once in a while. it was such a fun and relaxing day. Pampering yourself occasionally is a must as well. i LOVED that we got pampered and the only thing we spent money on was honey, cause i was all out.

After renting Alladin, we started Twilight... and both CRASHED probably at 9:45 ish... Steph's husband just called for her to go grab him so they can go home. It was a good day. And this year Steph and I have had more girls days than i can count and i am thankful for every single one!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Thankful Day 4- Crystal Lite

ya ya ya... say what you will, it causes bipolar, it causes kidney stones.. yada yada yada... I LOVE IT!!!!

As a girl who has given up carbonation (special occasions don't count!) and a girl who is counting every calorie that enters my mouth hole... 5 calories for flavor is WORTH IT!!!

I keep the individual packets in my purse for those moments when the water somewhere is less than par, and i will not allow it in it's current state to meet my taste buds... i have a bad gag reflex ya know! 

I really am so thankful that this is an option for me :) it helps keep me on track and not add extra calories into my daily intake. so THANK YOU CRYSTAL LITE!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Thankful Day 3- My Job

Everyone knew that i was taking a break from working. I was enjoying being a stay at home wife, and being able to devote my whole day to the welfare of our family. I got a call in April from a girl in my ward at church. We were both in nursery together, but i was extremely confused as to WHY she was calling me on a wednesday. She told me that her work was looking for someone to do sibling care during preschool, and she thought i'd be perfect for it. pretty much told me that she got me an interview. I went in the next tuesday, expecting an interview, her boss showed me around and then told me that i started as soon as i got back from my trip to Utah.

and BAM just like that i had a job. It has honestly been one of the greatest blessings this year. what started out as a simple 5 hours a week, grew into my now normal 25 a week of teaching preschool. I have never worked anywhere that after 6 months, i didn't DREAD going into work. I will admit there have been a few mornings, when the house is a disaster, or the weather is horrible, or Riley has jacked the car for the day... where i think to myself what an inconvenience having a job is. HOWEVER... having an extra paycheck, and being able to do things... like pay $1000 for a surgery for our dog, outweighs ANY con.

I adore the girls i work with. We find ourselves chatting all the time about ideas, work, and families. We are all so willing to pitch in and help each other. and we have ALOT of fun everyday. There is always something going on, or some funny story.

Don't think i'm only writing this cause tomorrow is my day off and i get to go enjoy the weather (which will probably rain) I really am so grateful that God knew what i needed, even when i didn't. and he sent me the opportunity that i needed.

So now i am going to lay in bed with Deezul and listen to the pouring rain outside my window. yay for living on a tropical island it's still 76 degrees outside :) don't hate me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thankful Day 2- experiences

Today i am extremely grateful for all the experiences i have been able to live! especially those that may have been HARD when i was going through it, but made me a better person in the long run. I recently found a letter i wrote to myself. I wrote it when i was 17. At the time i wrote it i was bawling (you can see the tear marks on the paper) I had just gotten home from being out with Riley, and had told him i thought he should move in with his parents.

For those of you that don't know the situation, Riley and i started dating, a few weeks later his parents moved, he felt a feeling like he needed to stay. So he arranged to stay with a long time friends family. over the course of the year the family got more and more abrasive. To the point that it was borderline psychological abuse. Riley was REALLY struggling with them, but did not want to move in with his parents cause it would mean leaving me, as well as having to switch schools for the last term of his senior year.

So for his mental health, i told him to leave. With the promise that nothing would change between us. but knowing that the other times i had tried a long distance relationship... it never lasted. I knew it was the ONLY option though, because he was severely depressed in the current situation. Anyway, in this letter i talk about the situation and how i am so completely in love with him, and i don't see how we will get past this. But because i was so in love with him, that i HAD to let him go. I honestly thought that night, that we would eventually get pulled apart. Lucky for me, that boy already knew he planned on marrying me someday. and did everything in his power (including driving 4 hours each way nearly every weekend to see me) to make sure that we stuck through it all.

That is one of those experiences that forced me to Grow. To put someone else's needs above my own, even knowing at the time that i would probably gain nothing. I have always tried to be that same girl. The one that sends him off to war, promising i will keep it all together. promising that i will be ok without him, knowing full well that i am in for _ months of restless nights, and more than a few days when i just feel like something is wrong... waiting by the phone for him to call and tell me that he is alive and well.

Riley leaving for any amount of time is always an experience in which i grow.

Losing my pregnancy was another one of those self altering moments. I have had to accept that i will not get exactly what i want/pray for. I really wanted Riley to be home for my due date... however maybe i am supposed to get pregnant and have the baby while he is gone for another experience, i don't know that now...

There were a few weeks in that really Dark period i've talked about. I felt... Dark... that is the only way i can explain it. It is something that i have had to realize is actually more normal than i thought. I made a comment one day (i think the day or two before Riley said i should be medicated) that the pregnant woman in the parking lot made me furious and i just wanted to hit her... KEEP in mind i would NEVER actually harm a person. But it was that thought process of "WHY DOES SHE DESERVE THIS?!" and "What makes her more deserving than i to be a mother". that is still a question that plagues my days. When someone that i KNOW complains about everything in their life gets pregnant. i immediately think in these EXACT words "and SHE deserves a kid more than me..." I see fathers all around base that are non-existant in their children lives. who do nothing but play on the computer or constantly go out and party instead of spending time with their families... and then i look at Riley who will practically HOLD Deezul down and force him to snuggle with him cause he say's he just wants some snuggle time. And when he tells me that a music video he watched makes him want a little girl.

Or that time in the baskin robbins parking lot when he apologized for his medication comment. Letting me know that he has a hard time with me voicing my anger and hurt with the situation because he IS hurting and it IS hard for him to hear about everyone getting pregnant... When he wants to be a dad so bad. Looking into his eyes, and wanting to give him a child of his own, and yet at that moment feeling that i had just murdered his child and killed his dreams.

I thought things would NEVER get easier. and yet here i am, being able to talk about it completely rational. I can already tell that this experience will forever change me as a person. I have to take everything as an opportunity to grow and learn. and to move forward as a wife and daughter of Heavenly Father.

As i have always said to Riley "Look Unto Christ in Every Thought. Doubt Not. Fear Not."

Weight Loss Wednesday- Dress Shopping

Here we are, my second weight loss Wednesday post. How have you changed your life this week?

This last week was "ration" week, if your a military wife you know the drill. you live off whatever you have in your house until payday :) luckily my house is pretty stocked. I only had to do this because of the thousand bucks that was used for Deezul's surgery, it's not a normal occurrence in our house. I had to get creative to stay within my calories allotted for the day. And i was SO busy with halloween and all the events of that, it was difficult for me to find time to run.... those were definitely my obstacles of the week. But while everyone else was trick or treating, i hit up the commissary (our grocery store on base) i got ZERO trick or treaters... and i knew that our store on base was closed, so i drove over to pearl harbor and went to theirs. EMPTY!!!! it was amazing, that has never happened on a military payday! there were VERY few people in the store. i loved it. so now the fridge is TOTALLY stocked up on nutritional goodness. Yesterday i made applesauce in my crockpot... ya it was pretty dang good! Steph said it was almost too sweet, it was like an apple pie. She at a whole cup of it, and i think my calorie estimate was about 100 calories for it. she was pretty impressed!

I think i was only able to run once this week. it's been really crappy weather, which i LOOOOOVE, but my bodybugg doesn't like rain, AND i'm a bit of a klutz, so i can just imagine me eating pavement, as a platoon of Riley and my friends run by... NO thank you. I did hit my calorie burn goal everyday (maybe missed it once, but i was close)

I went dress shopping for the ball yesterday. Steph and I went and fell in love with the EXACT same dress. and BOTH wanted to buy it... she won :) i had to find another one. so i am happy with the dress i got. we'll see if i LOVE it the night of the ball. This year there will  be MANY more pictures, since i didn't bring a camera last year. trying on dresses was fun though. probably cause i have had better self esteem since taking this all serious again. Riley is going to get home to a changed woman.... and a changed menu, HAHA. yesterday made me hopeful about future clothes shopping trips. lately clothes shopping is the LAST thing i want to do... cause i don't want to be depressed about it... so instead i'm changing myself so that i am nothing but excited about new clothes :)

Alright so here are my stats 
Since last weeks post i am down 3.2lbs
Since 12 days ago when i started i am now down 7.2lbs

I feel fantastic! keep in mind i'm still eating! and normal food too! i had 2 fun size chocolate candies on halloween, plus 2 suckers. last week one day a mom from preschool brought cupcakes (which by the way, one cupcake is 160 calories.... ya thats half my snack allowance for the day!) it's all about making room in your daily plan for a treat. i had to work that cupcake INTO my 1200 calories. I went to 2 BIG Halloween events, plus Halloween and i am still DOWN 3.2 lbs this week. i am EXTREMELY pleased with that. My original goal was to be down 15 lbs by the ball which is a week from tomorrow, i don't think i will get there. HOWEVER i am not going to be upset about that. I am happy with my progress.

also real quickly this is the BEST method i have found to have a healthy breakfast! Chop up all your different veggies and have them in containers so on mornings when you don't have tons of time, you just have to grabe a small handful of each, and toss them into your egg scramble (2 egg whites and 1 full egg) i add 1/4 cup cottage cheese as well and it's usually about 250 calories! and that includes my little bit of fruit on the side! here is how i do it!

on the left we have red peppers and green peppers, on the right are my tomatoes and green onions. and in the middle is the corn i sliced off the cob (i'm in the middle of doing that right now actually, so that container isn't full yet. keep these in your fridge or freezer and then you are able to toss them in!

Thankful Day 1- Vacuum's

I originally wrote this last night, just forgot to post it, so i apologize.

I LOVE Thanksgiving, it's a time to reflect on ALL you've been given and all that you have in your life. So i am going to do the 30 days of gratitude posts. some may seem more serious than others, but i assure you, these are ALL things that i have realized more this year how much i really need them in my life.

Day 1- Vacuum's.

When i first got to the island everyone knows it took a year to get all our crap out here.... so i had to just live simply. This meant SWEEPING my floors. i don't think the military believes in carpets (probably because of how poorly military familys take care of their houses as it is.) This means my ENTIRE apt is hard floors, that is ALOT of sweeping. and i HATE sweeping. the floors ALWAYS feel gross even if i swept earlier that day, it was IMPOSSIBLE to clean the house all at once.

When our stuff arrived one of the items i was MOST excited about was my Dyson ball. it's an AMAZING vacuum, and it was one of the first things i used. i can now quickly run the vacuum over the floors (nearly daily) because Deezul feels the need to coat the floor with his hair, it's a never ending battle. But having my vacuum back gives me a bit of an advantage.